U2’s “shadow album” on me

I’m used to write a review of every U2’s new album, but this is not a regular one. Especially because the How To Re-Assemble An Atomic Bomb album was released a month ago. At this point, every fan has already listened to it or read all kind of news and interviews about it. But why I didn’t write it before? My mind was full. It’s still is, but I thought it was time to put into words.

Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

Don’t leave me here alone

This year has been very challenging for me. My family and I are facing several problems: financial, unemployment, illnesses. I’m very connected to them and to the ones I love, so when they suffer I suffer together; when they’re sick, I got sick too. I’m very sensitive, the kind of person who is affected emotionally and physically. The pros and cons of being Cancer! So, when the album was released — and I could listen to it one day before — I simply couldn’t write.

Save me from myself tonight

God I need your help tonight

One of the backgrounds of the album was the death of Bono’s father, their relationship and how to deal with the loss. When you don’t see a solution, the only thing I can do is to pray. God, are you listening to me? Can you hear me? Anxiety makes everything worse. All that happened to my family made me reflect about life. At each new problem, I felt I was changing a little. I’m definitely a different person now; looking for joy in the small things and still trying to believe in miracles.

Yahweh, still I’m waiting for the dawn

Original of the species

And you feel like no-one before

Since when I became U2 fan — a looong time ago — I have with me the stories of every new release. Each album, music video, show, book… I remember when How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb was launched there was an event at a record shop here in São Paulo. A tribute band was invited for a pocket show and the first fans to buy the album would win an exclusive t-shirt. Of course, I waited in line for a few hours to get it. It was a very nice day! And 20 years later, I could re-live that again. U2.com website did a contest to select fans for a private listening party, and surprisingly Brazil was included, however I was not selected.

Can you see the beauty inside of me?

What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

I “worked” in fan sites for 20 years (it’s a real job but without money). First in Brazilians sites, then I was invited to join the admin of Atu2. I was the only non-American/European of the staff. It was not easy to be committed all the time, working all days in different time zones and doing everything in English, which is not my native language, and seeing my colleagues going to all tours, promo events, shows, parties, etc. My love for U2 is enormous, so I dedicated myself a lot all over the years to keep this commitment. U2 fans from around the world notice that. Lately, I’m on my own posting content about U2 in my social media.

I don’t know if I can’t take it

I’m not easy on my knees

Here’s my heart you can break it

I need some release, release, release

I work hard to continue doing this job. Because of that, I was very sad for being excluded that I made a post about my frustration. I didn’t ask for anything, I just wanted to show my sadness because my life was already full of problems and this band is still one of the most important things for me; I didn’t want to lose it, too. Then, an “angel” saw it and decided to invite me. This person doesn’t know anything about what I’m going through and how significant it meant to me.

On November 21, I attended to Cine Marquise and with other U2 fans we were the first Brazilians to listen to HTRAAB Dolby Atmos. It was great to see some old friends, and to meet new ones who came to me saying “I know you; you’re the famous Fernanda Bottini”. LOL. I was wearing that t-shirt from 20 years ago. I didn’t change much, so it fits me. Besides, I could tell that story when I was interviewed by Universal Music Brazil team. It was amazing. Although, I’m sure you want to know about the playback, right?

True love never can be rent

The soul needs beauty for a soul mate

When the soul wants… the soul waits…

Catharsis. That’s the word to define it. Before the session, we were given popcorn and Coke. It was a fun start. But when it really began I put everything aside to pay attention. First, we listened to a welcome message from The Edge. And then, the whole shadow album plus some other songs from Atomic Bomb. It was like being at the show! Applauses, laughs, tears… the room was filled with the purest energy. At the end, when they played Vertigo, we couldn’t be seated anymore. Everyone was up singing out loud. I was very emotional for being there, since it’s been a while since U2’s last visit to Brazil (2017). I’ve never had the chance to meet the band members; they probably don’t know that I exist, but I felt we were together. What a privilege to be part of this unique moment!

Time won’t leave me as I am

All fans from around the world that could be at the playback in their countries say it was wonderful. But for me it was something bigger. During this year, I lost hope a couple of times. I questioned myself about the faith. I didn’t find any answers yet, but I’m not the same. I’m still in the process, wondering… Sometimes we prefer to leave the past behind, but the shadow exists and, just like U2 I’m trying to transform this into something good. They did it, because the album is great, better than I expected… I’m here facing my fears, showing my vulnerabilities in order to move forward. Hearts are hurting. There’s not much light on… I beseech you, walk with me along this country mile… The world might be falling apart, but my love for U2 remains unwavering and their music brings me comfort.

Bono, Edge, Adam and Larry… All because of you I am!

And I miss you when you’re not around.

By Fernanda Bottini

Communication: Journalism / PR

Massive U2 fan who writes about the Irish group for 20 years

Contact: febottini@gmail.com